Heartfelt musings on timing, trusting and surrendering to life
I’m just going to come right out and say it.
I feel as if almost every plan I have made this year has changed, been re-routed and not really worked out like I initially anticipated. It’s caused bucket loads of frustration and drained much time and energy.
They say if you want to make God laugh – tell her your plans.
Needless to say she must be having a bit of a chuckle.
Around this time I thought I would be penning a post to say how excited I am about to embark on such an exciting journey and a new chapter.
You may or may not know that John and I were due to hop on a plane bound for the US in the next few days. Earlier in the year we set the date for our departure. Part relocation experiment, part adventure. It was meant to be a new chapter. It was meant to be 2 months of scoping out opportunities in The States as we prepare and make plans so I can get my Green Card (John already has his). In the lead up there has been much planning, evaluating and organising to get to the point where are ready to jump on the plane and farewell Australia – for a while at least. It was meant to be an exciting and fun time filled with possibility.
Then life had other plans.
Due to something that we couldn’t have foreseen, even if we tried, we have had to re-evaluate and look at things again.
It’s been frustrating and challenging. I was so sure of what I thought these next few months would look like and then -nada. We’ve had to postpone our plans.
Believe me, I know about letting go of attachment, expectations and releasing the need towards the outcome – and sometimes it is easier said than done.
A few weeks ago my Dad was admitted to hospital – presenting with fluid on the lungs. In that time we uncovered that he had to start dialysis pretty much right away and that that he has trouble with his heart. We knew about his kidneys (he had the line put in a few years ago ready to go when he needed to start dialysis). In hospital the line that came out of his stomach for dialysis became clogged so we had to search for other solutions. In addition to that he has been having angiograms, stress tests, ECHOs and ECGs to determine what is up with his heart.
In the time that he has been in hospital he has started on haemodialysis, had 2 minor heart attacks and developed a blood clot in his heart. We uncovered that he needs to have heart surgery, but at the same time we are being told it is too much of a risk, so at the moment the surgeons won’t touch him. Some days he is doing well. Other days he is gasping for air, low on energy, with no appetite and struggling to keep anything down. At the moment it’s a bit of a giant puzzle that we have to piece together.
It’s a juggling act. Balancing the function of kidneys and heart without impeding on the other as they are linked.
Understandably, we don’t want to leave until we have a clearer picture of what is happening with Dad.
On top of that, my Mum has had mediation with my step father to begin the process of finalising their divorce. I won’t go into too much detail for legal reasons. In short – they accumulated a large business debt together and now he wants to walk away from any responsibility and leave her holding the baby, so to speak. Lets just say it is messy, challenging and icky.
So the last few weeks – at a time when John and I were planning for a new adventure, a change and an exciting journey – life has had other plans.
It’s been a roller coaster of emotion. From being advised by the doctors to have challenging end of life type discussions with Dad (as a precaution), to him being in so much pain one day and then him joking around the next. Then to seeing my Mum – normally a pillar of strength – and how the unjust nature of her divorce is taking its toll on her.
Throw in a few extended family dramas due to the stress of a loved one in hospital and the tricky conversations that surround that and these last few weeks of my life have been like a bad reality TV show.
It has been somewhat of a challenge.
It has caused me to re-assess.
All this came at a time when I was excited, inspired and motivated beyond anything that I have ever felt before. At a time when I wanted to throw myself into a new adventure, new possibility. At a time when I was so dedicated to expanding my business and ready to take on new opportunities.
That has come somewhat to a pause. I feel at the moment my energy levels have done a complete 180.
I have felt like curling up in a ball. I have felt like running away. I have felt anything but motivated, excited and inspired. Ever the wordsmith, I have been in a void and had no words to describe how I feel. And in a profession where I am the facilitator for others change, and the one who holds space for their breakthroughs and exploration, I have had to pause and take time for myself.
I need him to pull through. I need her to be more than okay.
What I am doing is letting go of my attachment to things working out the way I thought they would.
And instead throw myself into: surrendering.
I am surrendering to what is happening. I am surrendering to other plans that life has in store. I am surrendering to the bumps and detours in this next phase of my journey.
I am realising that there is so much happening at the moment that is beyond my control.
I am trusting and surrendering to it all.
Trusting the timing of life.
Trusting that this is exactly where I am meant to be. Right now.
Trusting that life is working out as it is meant to and surrendering.
Share with me below what can you surrender to right now? What can you trust right now?
I’d love to hear from you below.